Rotterdam Film Festival

January 28, 2008

My wife took me to the Rotterdam Film Festival yesterday. She had booked a room in the Hilton, arranged high tea and reserved tickets for a Chinese movie. We saw the movie “Lust, Caution” by Ang Lee and it was beautiful, even stunning at times. So much detail and very good acting of the main actors. We had dinner in restaurant Tai-Wu in Rotterdam. It’s always packed but especially so during the Rotterdam Film Festival. Tai-Wu is renowned for its DimSum but not so much for dinner. The Asian eggplant with shitake was however fantastic. After dinner we saw another movie not worth mentioning here.

Today I had to go to the psychologist again. Our third visit. After the successful treatment of last time (prior to the MEG and MRI) was the objective this time to prepare me for the fMRI that will take place on the 1st of February. The meeting was kind of a failure. I had prepared myself by making a list that frighten me and I had already prioritized them. I had also thought of measures to be taken to reduce the scare factor and we discussed these. All in line with the process of Systematic Desensitization.

At some point the psychologist insisted that should realize that I can get out of the fMRI tunnel any time I like. As I know that this will render the check useless do I not consider that an option. I have to go through fMRI if I want to live longer and therefore consider a “premature ejaculation” from the fMRI a failure and not an option. According to my wife do I have a strict black-white approach to life and she believes that I should apply more grey.

The psychologist agreed to that and believes I’m too tough and inflexible on myself. Perhaps I am. The fact remains that I’m absolutely not confident about going through the fMRI on Friday. While thinking about the fMRI do I become very angry, more angry than afraid. I can’t stand it that time and time again I (have to) engage in a fight with myself where that fight is actually very in-productive. I realize now that I’m both mentally and physically struggling and now that I’m in this state, with a brain tumor, everything comes together. Where is this going?


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