Auto Pilot

February 15, 2008

Friday, the last working day of this week. I’ve been working most of this week in the office to avoid thinking too much about next week Tuesday (to be honest: there was also a lot of work to do). Especially today do I find it difficult to concentrate on work. Several people at work know about ‘Super Tuesday’ and ask me how I’m doing and what I expect to hear. And I don’t know the answer to that. I honestly don’t. I can’t help wondering what the various outcomes are. I fear that I will be in hospital before I’m ready for it.

I’ve come to a point where I’m getting annoyed when I have to answer well meant questions or have to listen to well meant advice. I answer their questions as if on auto pilot, not thinking about sensitivities or about the person asking the question (I used to vary the level of detail with the level of genuine interest). I also notice that I’m less and less interested in the stories of other people. I often feel ashamed of that. I never felt the centre of the universe but other people may think that I think so now. And should I care if they do? Confusion!

It is like work in itself in not sufficiently claiming my attention. I now even carry an iPod Touch with me with soothing music. I wear just one ear plug. I have still a lot of work to do that should be finished on Tuesday. As always have I overestimated my efficiency and energy and not learned from recent lessons. I will not be able to finish my work unless I work also during the weekend and on Monday. Should I do so? Frustration!

At the end of January did I decide that once all the tests were over I would visit the fitness centre every day. I have become so very fat. I think I went once. I also decided to study hard on the human brain to find out which lobe goes where so that I would understand 100% of the Neuro-Surgeon’s verdict. I think I spend just a few evenings on the subject.

Before I said that I feared that I would be in hospital before I was ready for it. The truth is that I’ve done nothing to get ready. Disappointment!


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