Big yellow garbage truck!

April 18, 2008

This morning I got up at 6:30am, measured my weight (92.2kg) and fed the cats. I switched on the heating downstairs as well as my PC, prepared my pills for the Friday morning and had breakfast: two muesli rolls and a lot of pills. Time has started to run faster and faster and I’m frantically trying to keep up with it.

We expected a visit from our financial adviser with information on our mortgage in case we decide to swap house for apartment but he didn’t arrive. Monling appears to have a sixth sense for these situations and after ten minutes came to the conclusion that he had forgotten the appointment as he had not written the appointment down when he made it. She was right of course and thousand apologies later we had a new appointment for Monday.

We decided to go shopping instead and took the car to a huge Chinese food store. They have fantastic stuff. Maybe the Dexamethasone is to blame but I get immediately hungry when I see all that food: sweet cakes, known and unknown vegetables, fresh tofu and all kinds of sauces, vegetarian and not. We bought dinner for two days and too many other things that I at least will not have anymore before surgery.

While driving back home on the highway I didn’t pay attention to Monling while she counted on my help. The help I promised to give her. A bastard in a big yellow garbage truck (with a matching character) didn’t allow her to enter the highway and she screamed. There will always be bastards like that but I should have been prepared. And I was not. I observed the situation and shouted to Monling, just exactly the wrong thing to do. She recovered but not because of my help. To make things worse I continued to be angry, with her and with myself and with my situation. I completely lost control. It doesn’t happen so often but when it happens I realize that I’m a large barrel of emotional gunpowder. Ready to blow.  And it is always Monling who has to deal with the consequences. I’m so sorry Monling, please forgive me.

One of the things that I planned to do was to make a web album for our photo’s from Japan. It is a strange thing as our holiday was cut short, kind of ends in midair, frozen in time. Many happy pictures from before the seizure and less and less happy pictures from the period afterwards. You can see “between the lines” that we’re trying to cope with the situation. Well, you can see for yourself when the web album is ready.

Bas came to see us in the afternoon and we had a good time. We discussed surgery of course and the options that I still think to have. Bas stayed for dinner (we had Indonesian food and an Italian coffee afterwards, kinda kinky combo). He will travel to South Africa for a CEO summit so I won’t see him anymore before surgery. The same for Frits and Regine who came to see me for “10 minutes” (fortunately they had more than that to spend). I think it is the last time I see them as well before surgery. As I said in the first paragraph of this post: time has started to run faster and faster and I’m frantically trying to keep up with it. At the same time do I create new actions to keep myself busy. Let go Mr. Boskmann .. relax!


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