A visit to our GP

May 29, 2009


My Neuro-Oncologist ordered me to have my blood pressure measured by my GP (General Practitioner or “huisarts” in Dutch).  My blood pressure is too high and Monling’s blood pressure is sometimes too low. So Monling made an appointment with this GP (who is a very nice guy by the way). He checked our blood pressures and they were fine. Very strange. Monling asked for a prescription for sleeping pills for me but I think she needs them more than me. The poor lass has been ‘on duty’ 24×7 for more than one year now. She is often too tired to sleep without sleeping pills.

I almost wish to die to make things easier for her but since that’s too early, I’m keep myself busy with cleaning up my (study) books, music CD’s, my computers, my electronic parts, PC boards, my tool chest and other bits and bobs. I had already discussed euthanasia and palliative sedation with my GP (and Psychotherapist of the RCA) and at that he offered me to help me sorting out things. I have not done anything yet although there are some plans in my mind. I’m starting to get ready to define in which way I want to go. I hope everything will go the way I like it. I wish I could be a spider on the wall during my own funeral :-).



  1. Hey! What is this? I don’t like what you are talking about my friend…

    • What bit you’re referring to? I guess to the dying bit? That’s a bit too personal perhaps?

  2. It’s just the thing that I do not like you talking about your death.

  3. Dear Spiderman, don’t be so cruel. Of course you want regulate everything by yourself, also the possibility of euthanasia. But isn’t this a reaction on the conversation with your Neuro-Oncologist last week… The tone, on which you write now, is hurting me, but I understand your feelings.

  4. Dear Marjo, I’m not cruel to anybody is it? I’ve postponed writing about my imminent death until I could no longer postpone this. Lately I’ve been busy cleaning up my past, gone through my archives and library and I have thrown away a lot. Now I can’t postpone to write down what my preferences regarding my end phase are anymore. I’m so sorry that (you thought?) I was cruel. I love you too much for that, Payter

  5. Holy Shmoly! What an openness..you are so brave to share this with us. I understand your thoughts and “read-between-the-lines” your mood…not too optimistic at the moment of writing.

    It must be awful to cope with a process of deterioration sorry for the use of words. You are and have been strong but I can imagine that there are moments like these where you just want to give in. Maybe for you and your closest family but don’t do it yet… Of course you can and must express your feelings even if these are hard to swallow for others. This is about you and you do it your way.

    For me, you can be as open as you want about the end-phase. Life is impermanent and everybody will die sooner or later. It intrigues me the respectful way you handle it and I’m eager to learn from it. In Asia (Buddhist teachings) I have learned that you should think about your death and face it with open eyes. That’s what I’d like to do but don’t know if I have the same courage as you to handle it this way.

    Anyway, just express you feelings and we will listen!

    • Shucks Bas, you know how to put some heart into me. You made me cry. I found that I wasn’t clear enough in this post so I’ve partially rewritten it.

  6. Hi Peter,
    I am proud of you to be so open and fair about your feelings and how you try to deal with them. So many people behave like an ostrich when it comes to emotions especially death.
    We Dutch do have a saying: Gedeelde smart is halve smart. I hope this is the case for you as well, at least a little.
    Thank you for sharing this with me !
    But Please keep on laughing whenever you can !!
    Love, Caroline

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