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A wonderful and brave person has left us

October 16, 2009

In the text mentioned below, Monling have described the last weeks of their life in a moving manner.

“Peter has departed on 15 October 2009. He had been fighting for almost 2 years, he never wanted to give up but he was so tired.

Mid. of September through early October there’re more than 2 weeks’ time Peter lost part of memory. He didn’t know he’s ill, he didn’t remember those surgeries he underwent, he forgot everything related to his illness. He was very bright and had no fear, no worries. I wished that he could have kept on forgetting till his last moment. But in his mind pieces of a puzzle were gradually completed and on 07 October I realized that he could see the full picture while we were visiting a psychologist and how surprised I was because he was still so calm and so peaceful. He told the psychologist that he has finished and he’s ready to out of the life. He said the same to our general practitioner (GP) next day, he also said that his life now is nothing but only waiting for the death.

At the beginning of last year Peter had declared to our GP his wish of euthanasia under circumstance while any further treatment will only lead to unbearable and hopeless suffering. He didn’t get any medical treatment after the 9th chemo therapy except taking Dexamethasone (I call it “doping”). He started it on 21 September but his physical condition was obviously going backwards since one week. We knew he’ll suffer from unbearable pain when Dexamethasone can’t help him anymore. He again declared his wish. We watched each other and I asked him:

Do you have sorrow?
No. said by him.
Then I have no sorrow, either.

Do you have regret?
No. said by him.
Then I have no regret, either.

Do you have fear?
No. said by him.
Then I have no fear, either.

He had made his decision. 2 years’ fighting is his being kind and being considerate to all the people he loved, but he was tired, he wanted to be freed. I should let him go.

We enjoyed every moment of these last few days, he ate lots (Dexamethasone made him always hungry), we talked about our vacations and many funny or silly things we did, we discussed my future, etc. How glad I am to be able to again communicate with him at last.

He was clear and peaceful until last moment. No sorrow, no regret, no fear, no worries”.

Peter was unable to win the battle against his illness, but he kept the control until the end. We have made a new page in memoriam https://cranius.wordpress.com/in-memoriam/ on this blog. On this page you can react or by mail payt2009@live.nl.
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6 comments

  1. I am shocked and saddened beyond belief to read this news. I have been recovering from surgery myself and so had not visited this blog for a week or so. Please accept my sincerest condolances.

    Peter e-mailed me now and then and I will never forget his encouragement and support. He was a fine man and incredibly brave. It does not surprise me that he faced death with the same calm and dignity he faced his illness. I will miss him. What a terrible loss of a wonderful man.

    My heart goes out to you, his family ~ for if I can feel such loss and sadness ~ I can only begin to imagine how you feel.

    Jan (England)


  2. Dear Monling,

    I am so sorry to hear this awful news. I think that Payter has not really left you. His love will still be with you and with his family during this difficult time.

    Rust zacht Payter.

    Annemieke Venderbosch


  3. Dear Monling,

    I am very sorry to hear that Peter’s life had to end. I offer my condolences.

    He was very brave through it all and was very concerned for you, worried about how you should carry on after he would have passed away. It was a privilige to know him and I shall never forget his wisdom and help in the all too short period of our working together.

    Ron Roozeboom


  4. It’s Peter’s wish that his body was donated to VU for medical/scientific reserach. I kept him one night at home till 09:00 Friday morning and I companied him the last ride to VU. Well, I shouldn’t
    say that’s “him”, because I believe that he had been freed from that very ill body. What I companied was just a remain.


  5. I’m so sorry to hear of Peter’s death, Monling.

    He faced his illness with true resolve — matching boundless hope with no illusions. It has been a pleasure to know him via this site, even during such difficult times, and I know that he was and continues to be a great inspiration to many others.

    I feel proud to have known him here.

    With my deepest condolences to you and Payter’s parents, from London — Roads.


  6. My dear Monling,

    I just found out – by a mutual friend and collegue of Peter. With tears in my eyes I am writing this mail to you. To let you, and Peter’s family and friends from all over, know that I too am touched by Peter’s passing away.

    I think it was early last week that I somehow had a feeling that something was going on. I checked the weblog, and the fact that there was no news gave me an uneasy feeling. I felt the urge to call, to ask, but when checking my phone I noticed that I did not have your phonenumber. Besides this I also felt a certain reservation to try to get in touch..

    Dear Monling, Peter’s parents en sister, my sincere concolences to you all.

    Payter will remain in my thoughts and in my heart. It was a privelege to have known him.

    Anke.



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