Few words for the party in memory of Peter on 08 November 2009

November 11, 2009

30 years and 5 months ago we exchanged our first letters, 25 years and 11 months ago we met each other in Japan for the 1st time. 23 years and 7 months ago we got married. Since, 8600 days we have been through thick and thin (as said in Dutch “door dik en dun”). We must have had wonderful life because I could only say: how time flies!

Peter has left me for 3 and half weeks. I always believed that I could manage to be alone because he went business trip almost every week before he became ill. But now I realized it’s very different. Before I could just call his mobile, I could reach him immediately wherever he was. Now he will never pick up his mobile anymore.

For me these 3 and half weeks is a period full of tears. Does unhappy time pass slowly? If it does I’ll become aged slowly then. Maybe it’s not too bad.

Before his departure, I asked him to let me know by sending signals if he has been freed. The signals are either let me see the wind blows through trees or let me hear birds’ singing. I got the 1st signal early morning of the next day, and I got the 2nd signal one week later. Peter did keep his promise to me.

Luckily in this country it will never be short of wind. I’m still receiving his endless signal and I can always feel he is around me, every where and every moment. Peter, can you see that I have my hair cut short. I know you won’t like it, but don’t worry, my hair grows very fast.

And our promises to each other, I also do my best to keep it: no sorrow, no worries, no fear and no regret. Sometimes it’s too difficult for me to keep it. But I order myself to live fully and happily for him because that’s what he wanted me to do.

I’m OK I just miss him very much. His smell at home is disappearing everyday but everything reminds me of him. When I went cycling I followed the route we went 8 weeks ago. 8 weeks ago (13 September) we were cycling along Sloterplas, passing by the front side of Opium. When I watched a TV program “Spoorloos” I had to think about that we watched it together before. When I was driving a car I thought that he used to drive me to every place where I wanted to go, he could drive from Amsterdam to Milan within 10 hours. I was awake in the morning and thought it’s the time he should take his medicine. When I went shopping I chose the foods he liked. He is still in the centre of my life. Eric Jan said that now I’m a nurse without a patient.

I like to thank all the friends who sent me cards, phoned me or posted comments on Peter’s blog. Those cards and comments are so warm so touched. Peter was loved by everybody and was appreciated by everybody. I was always moved to tears while reading them and I doubted whether Peter was an angel who made a short trip to our world ? My tears are just like running water from a broken tap. I lost so many tears that my sister in law Marjolijn suggested that I should eat more salt……

If anyone knows something negative about Peter, please let me know. Then I’ll be able to miss him less.



  1. You will never miss him less, and frankly you should not, because wherever he is now, for sure in a better place, his eyes will be always staring at you, night and day, 365 days a year. As long as I know, Peter loved you with all his atoms, each and every part of his body, of his mind and of his soul was dedicated to his lively wife. Everytime I had chances to speak to Peter of this and of that, sooner or later you ended up popping into the discussion. Peter was a very strong person, very determined and energized, like a powerful battery. You were his power supply at home, where even the strongest battery needs to recharge at least once a day. Of course Peter had something negative, who doesn’t, but from me at least, you will get none, because it’s not relevant.

    I am with you and with your pain, I pray our Lord to be warm and soft and protective with you.

  2. 2 Weken terug ben ik Juwan van Danielle Glasbeek gaan bewonderen. Zij vertelde me dat jij, Payt, overleden was. Het broodje wat ik aan het eten was, smaakte even niet me zo lekker. Je verhalen op je blog las ik zo nu en dan, recent stuurde je me nog een lief mailtje……dat is nu definitief voorbij. Wat kon je toch heerlijk vloeken, wat kon je mooi vertellen, veel gekkigheid, lieve woorden over Monling en je katten! Wat een kracht en passie had je in je! Je nodigde ons indertijd uit om naar Milaan te komen, wat er niet van is gekomen. Met heel veel plezier en warmte denk ik terug aan ons etentje op de Nieuwegracht in Utrecht en aan alle andere momenten aan de telefoon, mail, Skype, in de hal, keuken etc. Dank je wel voor dit alles, Payt!

  3. This is a beutiful post and it expresses the great love that you and Peter shared. Grief is like a two sided coin, the more you loved the more you grieve … so it does not surprise me that Peter is still the centre of your life.

    Blessings to you. Although you will never stop remembering and missing Peter, eventually the grief will be easier to bear.

    Hoping you find your inner peace.

    Jan (from England).

  4. PS: I forgot to leave this for you:
    Those we love remain with us
    In the whisper of the wind
    In a soft rain that falls from Heaven
    In each sunrise
    In every single star that lights the night sky and
    In every single memory we hold with our hearts”

    by Mary Chandler Huff

    Jan (from England)

  5. Hello Monling,

    A very touching post. And sorry, no negative comments from me either. Instead I’d like invite you for a cup of tea or so, or maybe such a small cycling tour, whenever you like and/or feel like it.

    Wishing you a lot of strenght, for now and for later, and many more signs, so you will get proof again and again of what you already know: Payter is not far away. He lives in all the people who have known him and who will remember him.


  6. Ciao Tuttoqua, Thank you very much. Did I meet you in Italy? In fact I didn’t support Peter enough when he worked in Italy, I didn’t like to live in Italy. But now thinking of those days we spent in Milan and Rome, I have to cry. What wonderful life, what wonderful time to be together with Peter.

    Dear Jan, I was once married to an angel and I’m a lucky one who was fully loved by my angel. I miss him so very much. Thank you for the beautiful poem.
    I like to introduce a song to you:

    It’s sung by a Taiwanese singer called Zi-Lei Wang.
    It describes exactly how I feel when I miss Peter.
    Hope that you’ll find somebody who can translate it.

    Dear Anke, you can reach me through Peter’s old mobile no., I’m using it now. Let’s go cycling along Sloterplas.

  7. Dear Monling,

    I listened to the Chinese song. My Chinese is not very good :-), but the sound of the voice of the singer was very touching and caused wet eyes.

    If you want to go out, please be welcome in Leiden. Hendrik de Hond would love to meet you. And… perhaps we might tell you something a little little bit negative about Peter, to help you :-)

    All the best,

  8. Hi Monling
    How wonderfully you write of your time together, and about your grief. I often thought that the death of a spouse meant reaching some kind of destination. I simply didn’t realise that it’s the beginning of another journey entirely, and one that is just as difficult in its way.

    I wish you well, and don’t worry about that swimming pool of tears which you cry each day. With time, those tears will do their work, and they will help you on your way. Spirits up, as best you can.

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